I once wrote a poem about having a crush on someone and the effects the crush could have. Everyone has had a crush at some point or another in their lives and mostly people think back to when they were teenagers to remember their own.
My very first was in my teenage years and is still something I think about every so often now. The someone in question was a person so perfect in my eyes, so perfectly unattainable that it sometimes physically hurt to think that I would never have the opportunity to be near them. How on earth would they notice me from so far away?!
I still hold a soft spot for Christian Slater even now…
The word conjures up ridiculous connotations of giggling school girls and notes pushed across desks (or through chain link fences if you were at an all girls school..) whereas in fact, they’re present throughout life, no matter the age or sex and can be incredibly enjoyable despite the ridiculous misnomer attached to them.
However, even at the tender age of 14, what I wrote got me to thinking that perhaps the word ‘crush’ isn’t as stupid as it sounds.
The idea of unrequited love or hidden affections is not a new one to anyone. Whether from famous fictional characters like Romeo and Rosaline – Severus and Lily for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of Shakespeare yet – or the common or garden variety such as any friend you may have ever known crushing on the most popular kid in the school who barely notices they’re there. It is an institution in itself of literature, music and manuscripts waiting to be read or heard and empathised with by bleeding hearts across the world. A little crush is a life experience, a way to know that love may be a many splendored thing but it is not the be all and end all of flaming existence!
A little crush is exciting. A permanent crush is exhausting.
A permanent crush is the difference between sneaking looks at a boy and thinking he’s cute, daydreaming about what you would say if he asked you out and writing your first and last names down together to see if they match, and taking every individual action to object of affections makes and twisting it to fit a created world where he loves you too. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Scary isn’t it? We label that as obsession and in many cases ‘psycho’ but in fact it has all but sprung from a little admiration, a little covert admiring and a lot of imagination. A permanent crush is all encompassing and can destroy lives because even if it is realised, love is requited and the happy ending can begin, it never lives up to the happy ending imagined.
I have recently developed a crush myself. A little one you’ll be pleased to hear. And he does have a rather hypnotic voice. I didn’t think I was a fan of soulful melancholy but apparently I can be persuaded.
It’s just Mr Slater all over again but it’s harmless fun when the object of the affections is either far enough removed not to notice your sly glances or interested enough to return at least some level of interaction. However I’m sure we’ve all felt the sting of being rebuffed, rebuked and generally knocked back by someone you thought would have said yes in one way or another.
Now imagine that there has never been a knock back, never been a letdown, a missed date, not so much as rushed morning kiss because nothing physical has ever happened. Safe and sound, locked in a head, the world is perfectly formed around the relationship just as they like it. Until reality crashes through and destroys everything. A single word from the object of the carefully built, protected and reinforced – albeit imaginary – affections could topple everything ever created and when that happens, I’d clear the area.
My crush on you is crushing me
I’m seeing things that couldn’t be
Your soft sweet touch collects upon my dreams
And every word you say to me
I just rip up and try to squeeze
The hopeless love you do not feel for me
You’re what I need to make me high
I take dismissal in my stride
Because I know that we were meant to be
So take me in and overflow
Release your love and let it show
To my heart you’ll always hold the key
The hurtful glare is broken glass
And piercing shards of mental fasts
Create a path for wayward thoughts to take
With dangerous dreams and helpless minds
The brush off can be left behind
And all things pure are left without a shake
Troubled stirs find cracks to plead
And hopeless payers can’t help but bleed
Over white which now can seem so fake
The sudden charged and darkened cloud
Release reality, feelings crowd
And the heart with nothing left will break.
This is no life lesson or cautionary tale to the object or the subject, just simply an account of my musings of the day. However I would just say this: If you’re foolish enough to hand people your heart without thought or care, you can always expect people to treat it in exactly the same way. If you treat other people’s feelings with cruelty and contempt, don’t be surprised when feelings towards you reflect that. Like begets like, it’s always worth remembering.
But in the meantime, crush away and be crushed upon. I mean it’s never a bad thing to have someone like you.